Amoeba!
by sesheta255
Summary: The pitfalls of shore leave and taking a shower are things that Kaidan will never forget. Random Stupidity Number 3


Random Stupidity No. 3. _The usual apologies & excuses. Thanks to Shotgun_Shepard for Shep's words on seeing naked Kaidan, Jho for providing the inspiration for Kaidan's song, and Star 58 for once again braving my weird meanderings. The amoebae are for Stephee._

**Amoeba!**

Shepard stood outside the debriefing room silently cursing her mother and the connections she had acquired over the years. She didn't want to go and make nice polite conversation while being gawked at. Commander Shepard, hero of Elysium would draw more attention than Hannah Shepard, XO of the SSV Kilimanjaro and birthday girl, something that would only end up pissing them both off.

"Ok I have a mission to attend to and I'm calling for volunteers," Shepard said as she walked into the debriefing room.

"What sort of mission ma'am?"

"The sort where I feel the need for some backup, Alenko. My mother is having a 60th birthday party and I have been ordered to attend. I'd like someone to go with me. And while I'm gone there will be a small amount of shore leave available for the crew."

Shepard looked around hopefully at their faces trying to appeal to one of them to co-operate_. I'd love to see the look on everyone's face if I turned up with Garrus or Wrex in tow._

"So I take it from the silence that there are no volunteers? What about you Lieutenant?"

"With all due respect, no ma'am. Wouldn't that be inappropriate?" Kaidan blushed as Williams, seated beside him started snickering.

"Yeah, you're probably right. My mother would have us married off within 5 minutes then spend the next 2 hours lecturing me on fraternization." Shepard sighed. "I'd much rather be walking into a nest full of mercs with only one clip left in my ammo belt."

Joker's voice came from the speakers. "Don't tell me we've finally discovered something that Commander Shepard is afraid of."

"Yep, you've discovered my Achilles' heel Joker, the combination of mothers and cocktail parties."

"You want the Normandy to drop you off?"

"No way Joker. The Normandy will just draw more attention to me. I'll take the shuttle and see if I can sneak in without anyone noticing."

"Yeah like that would ever happen!" Joker laughed.

"Alright dismissed everyone. I should be back in three days. Enjoy your shore leave, but not too much, because I sure as hell won't." Shepard turned and headed for the cargo bay and the shuttle that would take her to her own personal idea of purgatory. It wasn't that she didn't get on with her mother; they just didn't see each other enough. She didn't want her recent celebrity status as the first human spectre to draw attention from the reason for the party; her mother's birthday. She also knew that her mother would spend quite a bit of time trying to throw eligible men at her, much to her embarrassment. _I wouldn't mind if someone threw Alenko at me, _she thought as she boarded the shuttle.

Kaidan walked into the medbay where Dr Chakwas and XO Pressly were deep in conversation. "You wanted to see me Sir?"

"Yes Lieutenant. It seems we have a situation on board that has to be dealt with immediately. I'll let Dr Chakwas explain."

"I've had a number of the crew complaining about rashes and welts on their skin. I've consulted the local authorities and it seems they recently had an outbreak of a type of alien parasitic amoeba that burrow under the top layer of skin. These amoebae are generally only found in the Turian population where they cause mild symptoms, but for species like humans that are not dextro- DNA the results can be quite painful. Basically, If left untreated it can lead to areas of the skin sloughing off, leading to rather painful, raw areas of flesh. Unfortunately mutations were bound to occur with the increased contact between species. It means that we are going to have to take drastic measures to get the situation under control."

Kaidan groaned silently. Shepard had been gone for three days and was supposed to be back tonight. _I wish I had volunteered to go with her after all._ _Spending time with Shepard would definitely be better than this. And it might have been worth it to see her in a cocktail dress. _"Please tell me you're making this up Doctor Chakwas," he said aloud.

"I wish I was Lieutenant, but it seems that some of the crew members got a bit too adventurous on their shore leave and now the whole ship is quarantined at the insistence of the Elarian authorities. They expect us to comply with the measures they have determined necessary to eliminate the problem. Given the communal nature of the sleeper pods and the bathrooms, all the towels and bedding on board have to be sealed in containers and handed over to the local authorities to be burnt. Also, everyone on board will have to go through decontamination procedures and a full body skin scrub. These amoebae are particularly virulent and everyone on board could now be contaminated."

"It would have been nice if the local authorities had warned us of the problem before we docked, but it is my understanding that they thought they had the problem under control. I've sent a message through to the Commander to bring back some supplies but there's nothing she can do until the quarantine is lifted. For now all we can do is co-operate with the local authorities." XO Pressly said in his usual serious manner.

Kaidan could just imagine Shepard's reaction to the message. _When she stops laughing and realises it means that she's stuck rubbing shoulders and making polite conversation for a few more days, she'll go ballistic. _She might have a foul temper, as well as a warped sense of humour at times, but she was the best CO he'd ever had and he enjoyed serving under her. _That's a phrase that taken on a whole new meaning since I met Shepard. _He shook his head ruefully.

"We'll also have to turn the temperature down as these amoebae don't survive well in the cold" Pressly added.

"So what happens if we want to sleep or take a shower?"

Dr Chakwas grinned wryly. "Well you either have to put your clothes on while you are wet or stand around naked until you dry, and as for sleeping I'm afraid the sleeper pods are off limits. Perhaps a temporary sleeping area could be set up in the hold."

_That's just great._ "How long is this quarantine going to last?"

"Oh, it should only be for a few days, Kaidan." Doctor Chakwas assured him as he turned and left the room.

Kaidan walked on to the bridge just as Joker cut communications. It had been three days since the amoeba outbreak had been discovered.

"Was that the Commander? When will she be back?"

"Yes that was Shepard. She'll be back tomorrow. She sounds cranky." _She's not the only one, _thought Joker looking at Alenko's face. "The good news is that you'll finally be able to stop complaining and have a shower tomorrow when the quarantine is officially lifted."

"It's alright for you. You don't shower very often anyway." Kaidan sat down. He felt tired, dirty and irritable. He wasn't in the mood for Joker, but the chairs in the cockpit were more comfortable than any others on the ship.

"Hey I shower, although getting a sponge bath out of Chakwas is more to my liking. I like my women more experienced."

"Joker, that's disgusting, even for you."

"Yeah, don't tell me you'd refuse a sponge bath if Shepard was on the other end of the sponge either."

"Will you quit it with the innuendo about me and Shepard? She's my commanding officer, nothing more." Kaidan wondered if Shepard would really mind all that much if he strangled Joker.

"Only because you don't have the balls to go after her. C'mon Alenko, I've seen the way you look at her, and quite honestly I don't think she'd knock you back if you made a move. The woman was practically begging you to go on shore leave with her a couple of days ago. Although after you told her that you needed 'some time to process that' when she first showed an interest in you, I'm surprised she hasn't given up and shoved you out the airlock by now."

_Now I __**really**__ wish I had gone with Shepard. I would have gotten away from this smartass for a while. Besides, getting married off by her mother couldn't be any worse than having to go through decontamination and a skin scrub. _The indignity of that still rankled. _All because some idiot couldn't keep their clothes on. Hell, I never even left the damn ship._

Joker's voice broke into his thoughts.

"If you're really that desperate why not just use the shower in Shepard's cabin?"

"Why would that be any different, wouldn't her room have undergone decontamination procedures as well?" The thought of having a private shower was tempting and overrode his instincts to stay out of his commanding officer's cabin.

"Shepard is not here and her cabin has been locked, meaning that her towels are uncontaminated and the only ones on board that haven't been burnt." Joker struggled to maintain a straight face.

Kaidan wasn't sure whether he could trust Joker knowing that the pilot was usually up to something, but his words did make an odd sort of sense. _Surely no-one would have thought to check Shepard's cabin?_

"Why bother waiting till tomorrow? No-one will know. Shepard won't be back till tomorrow and you can erase all signs that anyone was there." Joker said in an effort to convince Kaidan.

"I'll think about it after I get something to eat." Kaidan stood and headed towards the mess.

Later that night…………..

Shepard walked into her cabin, dumping the towels she'd appropriated from the supplies she'd brought back onto the bed. She was tired, cranky and hung over. _I need a shower, then bed_. _And why the hell is it so cold in here?_ Her thoughts were interrupted by a sound she couldn't identify. _What the hell is that noise and why is it coming from my bathroom?_

She pulled open the bathroom door and was momentarily engulfed in steam. As the steam cleared she saw the image of a naked, singing Alenko was in front of her. _Damn, I must be more tired than I thought. I've just walked into my very own personal fantasy. Except for the singing. S_he stifled a giggle. He had his back to her and she spent a moment checking out his ass before beginning to back slowly out of the room. _I'm sure he has a good reason for being in my bathroom,_ _but right at this moment I really don't care. _He turned suddenly and they both froze.

"Shepard?" He squeaked at her.

"Hummnememe?Whu?OHMYDEAR..urrrblehblehbleh. H-Hi..." she said as she stood frozen to the spot at the sight of her very naked, very luscious Lieutenant.

She didn't know which of them was redder. And her response didn't help. _Oh yes Shepard, very eloquent._

_Well that certainly woke me up and suddenly it's not so cold after all._ _He has a very fine ass but he can't sing worth a damn_. She started giggling. _Probably not the response the naked man in front of me wanted, expected, or hoped for._

Kaidan valiantly tried to cover himself with his hands as he looked around for the towels that Joker said were still here. _Damn that bastard._ _And why the hell does it have to be so cold in here? H_e unknowingly echoed Shepard's earlier thought, but for a very different reason. "Um, ma'am, do you think you could turn around?" he stammered. "Joker said you wouldn't be back till tomorrow." He said by way of explanation as to what he was doing in her cabin.

"Why would he say that? When I contacted him a couple of hours ago I told him I would be back tonight since the quarantine had been lifted," she replied as she walked out of the small bathroom.

But Kaidan knew why. _Oh yes, another chance to embarrass me in front of the commander. _He was going to kill Joker if it was the last thing he did. It would be worth the court martial and subsequent life sentence.

"Relax Lieutenant, I can help you out of your current predicament." Her hand appeared around the bathroom door holding out a towel. "I'll leave you to get dressed. I need to find Chakwas and Pressly to make sure everything's back to normal."

"Aye Aye ma'am. I hope we can forget about this incident." Kaidan said, coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hips.

"I'm not sure Lieutenant. What has been seen cannot be unseen." She grinned at him, giggling at his groan before turning and heading out of the cabin.

After dressing, Kaidan stormed towards the bridge. He was greeted there by idiotic grins on the faces of both Joker and Williams.

_Oh, that's all I need._ "Joker I swear this time I am going to kill you."

"What's the matter LT, didn't you enjoy your shower?" Ashley gave him her sweetest smile.

"Well it certainly _sounded_ like he did." Joker punched a button on the terminal in front of him and laughed as the sound of Kaidan singing in the shower came out of the speakers.

"What's the name of that song again, LT?" Ashley asked as she doubled over laughing.

"It's certainly very appropriate, given the recent situation." Joker said unable to keep his laughter under control.

Kaidan sighed. "Why me, Joker? Can't you target someone else for once?"

"Well you always make it so easy, Alenko." Joker watched Kaidan's retreating back for a moment before he and Ash started singing 'I've Got You Under My Skin' in off key voices.


End file.
